Marriage Counseling in Naperville Fox Valley Institute: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Our company believe we're getting the fairy tale when we get wed. You understand-- meet "the one," have a whirlwind courtship, get married and live gladly ever after. What the fairy tales do not tell you is that relationships take work.
Oftentimes, we do not enter into a relationship with the tools to handle the difficulties, which is where the pros come in. And by pros, I suggest a counselor or therapist who can assist you learn brand-new methods of relating to your partner.
The concern is: when do you know it's time to think about marriage counseling? Here are some trigger points and behaviors that are indications you may require aid.
1. When you aren't talking. In all honesty, lots of relationship challenges are merely obstacles in interaction. A therapist can assist facilitate new ways to communicate with each other. Once interaction has actually degraded, typically it is difficult to get it going back in the best direction.
2. When you're talking, however it's always unfavorable. Negative interaction can consist of anything that leaves one partner feeling evaluated, shamed, disregarded, insecure or wishing to withdraw from the discussion. Negative communication likewise includes the tone of conversation since it's not always what you state, however how you state it. Unfavorable interaction can escalate into psychological abuse along with non-verbal communication.
3. When you hesitate to talk. When it's simply too frightening to even bring problems up. This can be anything from sex to cash, and even bothersome little routines that are being overplayed. A therapist's job is to assist a couple ended up being clear about their issues and to help them comprehend what they are truly talking about.
4. When love is kept as penalty. My client Ann's ex-husband would snap over little things and after that withhold affection (consisting of offering her the silent treatment). If one partner starts to serve as a "moms and dad" or "punisher," there is a lack of balance in the relationship.
5. When you see your partner as a villain. You and your partner are not adversaries; you are on the very same team. If it starts to feel as if you are on different sides, check here then it's time to seek aid.
6. When you keep secrets. Everyone in a relationship has a right to privacy, but when you conceal from each other, something isn't right
7. When you contemplate (or are having) an affair. Daydreaming about an affair is a signal that you want something various from what you currently have. While it is possible for a relationship to survive after one partner has actually had an affair, it's sensible to get some aid before that takes place. If both of you are devoted to the therapy process and are being honest, the marital relationship may be restored. At the minimum, you may both concern realize that it is healthier for both of you to proceed.
8. When you are economically unfaithful. Financial adultery can be simply as --- if not more --- harmful to a relationship than a sexual affair. If one partner keeps his/her spouse in the dark about costs or requires to manage whatever associated to money, then the other should raise the subject of household finances. It's not unreasonable to state, "I wish to much better comprehend our month-to-month expenses and budget plan, our financial obligation, the number of savings/checking/retirement accounts we have, and so on" If your partner items, speak with an expert to help exercise the dispute.
9. When you feel everything would be OKAY if he would simply alter. The only person you can alter is yourself, so if you're waiting for him to change, you're going to be waiting a long time. This is often when I recommend hiring a coach or therapist to much better comprehend who you are and what you desire. Then, if obstacles continue to persist, connect to a couple's therapist to find out better tools for connecting to each other.
10. When you're living different lives. When couples become more like roommates than a couple, this might indicate a requirement for therapy. This does not imply a couple remains in difficulty just because they don't do whatever together. Rather, if there is an absence of communication, discussion, intimacy or if they feel they just "co-exist," this might show that it's time to bring in a knowledgeable clinician who can help sort out what is missing and how to get it back.
11. When your sex life has moved significantly. It's not uncommon for sex to reduce a little after you've been together for a while. Nevertheless, considerable changes in the bedroom signal something is wrong. An increase in sex, by the method, is likewise a sign of difficulties, as it can signify one partner attempting to make up for something they're doing that they feel is incorrect.
12. When you argue over the same little things over and over once again. Every individual has trigger behaviors-- particular things that drive them crazy that wouldn't trouble most of other individuals. This can include concerns like laundry, how the dishwashing machine is packed and having the exact same thing for dinner frequently. The other partner often does not comprehend why these fights keep occurring and what he or she can do about it. A therapist can assist a couple go over these concerns and find out what the genuine root of the problem is.
13. When there are ongoing relationship issues. Every relationship has sticking points or those big-ticket arguments that carry over for months without any sort of resolution in sight. This includes differing views on household finances, incompatible libido and child rearing philosophies. These difficulties feel impossible, but they can be worked out and both partners can reach an affordable resolution. Therapists assist if both celebrations are committed to understanding the other's perspective and want to discover commonalities.
A lot of couples wait too long prior to looking for assistance. In truth, you are best served if you look for assistance quicker instead of later.
Fox Valley Institute
640 North River Road, Suite 108
Naperville, IL 60563
P: 630.718.0717
F: 630.718.0747
How Successful People Make the Most of Their Couples Counseling Naperville IL
Marital relationship rates apparently are on the decline. While it's an oft-repeated statistic that 50 percent of very first marriages end in divorce, that number has stayed the same for the previous 30 years. Divorce rates also differ with the partners' level of education, religions, and many other aspects.
But when divorce does occur, it results in troubles for grownups as well as children. For grownups, divorce can be among life's most difficult life occasions. The choice to divorce frequently is consulted with uncertainty and unpredictability about the future. If kids are included, they may experience negative impacts such as denial, feelings of desertion, anger, blame, regret, preoccupation with reconciliation, and acting out.
While divorce may be necessary and the healthiest option for some, others might wish to try to restore whatever is left of the union. When couples encounter issues or issues, they may question when it is proper to look for marriage counselling. Here are seven excellent reasons.
1. Interaction has actually become negative.
Once interaction has actually degraded, often it is tough to get it going back in the ideal direction. Unfavorable interaction can consist of anything that leaves one partner sensation depressed, insecure, neglected, or wanting to withdraw from the discussion. This can also consist of the tone of the discussion. It is important to bear in mind that it's not always what you say, however how you say it.
Unfavorable communication can also include any communication that not only results in harm sensations, but psychological or physical abuse, as well as nonverbal communication.
2. When one or both partners think about having an affair, or one partner has actually had an affair.
Recovering from an affair is possible, however it takes a great deal of work. It takes commitment and a desire to forgive and move on. There is no magic formula for recovering from an affair. However if both people are devoted to the treatment procedure and are being truthful, the marital relationship might be restored. At the minimum, it might be identified that it is healthier for both people to carry on.
3. When the couple appears to be "simply occupying the exact same space."
When couples become more like roomies than a married couple, this might show a requirement for counselling. This does not suggest if the couple isn't doing everything together they are in difficulty. If there is a lack of interaction, conversation and intimacy or any other components the couple feels are necessary and they feel they just "co-exist," this may be an indication that an experienced clinician can help sort out what is missing and how to get it back.
4. When the partners do not know how to resolve their distinctions.
I keep in mind watching GI Joe as a kid. Every show ended with the phrase "now you know, and understanding is half the battle." For me, that expression enters your mind with this scenario. When a couple begins to experience discord and they know the discord, knowing is only half the fight. Many times I have heard couples say, "We know what's incorrect, however we simply do not understand how to repair it.". This is a perfect time to get a 3rd party involved. If a couple is stuck, a knowledgeable clinician may have the ability to get them moving in the best direction.
5. When one partner begins to act out on unfavorable sensations.
I believe what we feel on the inside reveals on the exterior. Even if we are able to mask these sensations for a while, they are bound to surface. Negative sensations such as resentment or disappointment can become hurtful, often damaging behaviors. I can recall a couple where the wife was very harmed by her spouse's indiscretions. Although she agreed to remain in the relationship and work things out, she became very spiteful. The other half would purposefully do things to make her other half think she was being unfaithful even though she wasn't. She desired her partner to feel the exact same pain she felt, which was counterproductive. An experienced clinician can assist the couple sort out unfavorable sensations and find much better methods to reveal them.
6. When the only resolution seems separation.
When a couple disagrees or argues, a break frequently is very helpful. However, when a timeout turns into an over night keep away from house or ultimately causes a short-term separation, this might suggest a requirement for counseling. Hanging out away from house does not usually resolve the circumstance. Rather, it strengthens the idea that time away is https://fvinstitute.com/meet-us/ handy, frequently causing more absences. When the missing partner returns, the problem is still there, but typically prevented since time has passed.
7. When a couple is staying together for the sake of the kids.
If a couple feels it is smart to stay together for the sake of the children, it might help to include an unbiased 3rd party. Typically couples believe that they are doing the best thing when remaining together actually is destructive to the children. On the contrary, if the couple has the ability to deal with problem and approach a favorable, healthy relationship, this may be the best choice for all involved.
In my viewpoint, kids must never be the deciding aspect when couples are determining whether to remain together. I remember dealing with a teen who was having difficulty in school. She was acting out and her grades were decreasing. After a few sessions she mentioned, "I know my parents really do not like each other." When I asked her why, she responded, "They are nice to each other, however they never ever smile or laugh like my buddies' parents."
Children are generally very intuitive and smart. No matter how couples may think they have the ability to fake their happiness, a lot of kids are able to tell.
All marital relationships are not salvageable. In the process of marriage therapy, some couples may discover it is healthier for them to be apart. Nevertheless, for those relationships that can be restored, and for those couples ready to dedicate to the procedure, marriage counseling may have the ability to advise them why they fell in love and keep them that way.
Fox Valley Institute
640 North River Road, Suite 108
Naperville, IL 60563
P: 630.718.0717
F: 630.718.0747
Distorted Thoughts … Getting Back to Reality
Interpretations reflect the basic assumptions we have about how the world works. Her move in itself signifies nothing until we think about it and place an interpretation or meaning on it. If we see it as a healthy move on her part, we can have a happy response. If we see her as being selfish, we might have an angry or depressed response to her move. Once we give meaning to an event, we can experience an emotional response to it. In other words, our thoughts can influence how we feel.
If the meaning we give to events is usually negative, we might constantly find ourselves feeling depressed. If the meaning is usually positive, we may find ourselves feeling good much of the time. If we give threatening meanings to events in the world, we might find ourselves living with a lot of anger. If we see the world as a stressful place, we might experience anxiety as a result. Sometimes we give meaning to our own actions that are negative (that is, we judge ourselves in a negative light). This might arise from a negative self-image and our mood will reflect this core belief in a variety of negative ways.
Our emotional health depends on making good, reality-oriented judgments about what goes on in the world around us.
Our emotional health depends on our ability to make good, reality-oriented judgments about what is going on in the world around us. Sometimes events are positive. We need to interpret them in precisely this way and have an appropriate emotional response to the situation (that is, happiness). At other times, events are negative and we ought to be able to give proper meaning to these events so that we can take correct action to deal with the problem in a reality-based way.
Most of us distort our thoughts to some degree. We all have unique lives, with different experiences, different parents, different friends, different problems to work through – so that throughout the course of our lives we have learned our own ways of interpreting the world. Our interpretations are not always based in reality and are often colored by our unique needs. We develop our own core beliefs about how the world operates, and, when various situations present themselves, these beliefs lead us to automatic thoughts (these are well-learned ways of thinking about situations that are instantaneous and reflect our underlying beliefs about the world). Sometimes these automatic thoughts are distorted. It is important to examine our cognitive distortions so that we make the right decisions in life and increase our chance of experiencing a good mood. Working with a trained therapist in examining these distortions is an especially effective way of dealing https://fvinstitute.com/newsletter/ with depression.
David D. Burns, in his classic book, Feeling Good, has identified several common cognitive distortions.
All-or-Nothing Thinking
This is when we see things in black and white categories. Events are either right or wrong, with no shades of gray in between. This cognitive distortion is the basis of perfectionism – either you do a perfect job on something or you’ve failed. Unfortunately, this sets us up for feeling like a failure and increases our chances of feeling depressed. In the natural world few things are perfect. If you try to impose all-or-nothing categories on the world, you are not conforming to reality and you’ll always feel as if you are coming up short.
Example: “Because I didn’t marry my high school sweetheart, I am now lost for all time and I’ll never find happiness in love.”
Overgeneralization
This is when you see a single negative event as part of a never-ending streak of failure. Although the normal setbacks we all have in life can be disturbing when they happen, they are usually explained through different circumstances. To fail to examine these different situations, and generalize them all as having a single cause, is again a way of setting ourselves up for failure. The more effective option is to look closely at the particular reasons for an upsetting event and then to take action to correct the situation.
Example: “Here we go again. I’ve now lost three jobs in ten years. I’m just not meant to have a job.”
Mental Filter
Mental filtering or “selective abstraction” occurs when a person picks out one negative detail in a situation and dwells on it exclusively. You ignore all of the positive events that have happened and this one negative definition comes to color your interpretation of an entire situation. When people are depressed, they see the world through a negative filter – that is, they filter out the good things that have happened and see only the negative.
Example: “My best friend didn’t return my phone call today – the world is filled with insensitivity and I can no longer call her my best friend.”
Disqualifying the Positive
This is an extreme example of turning positive events into negative ones. When positive things happen, the person says that they “don’t count,” and finds a way to turn them into something negative. This cognitive distortion can be a way to express a negative self-image. This is a way of blocking out the richness that your life experience can bring.
Example: “I know my therapist complimented me on being a caring person, but that doesn’t count. She’s just doing her job, and she doesn’t really know that I’m a horrible person on the inside.”
Jumping to Conclusions
You make a negative interpretation of an event, even though there is no real evidence to support this conclusion. There are two variations of jumping to conclusions –
Fortune Telling – This is where you anticipate that things will turn out badly and act as if they have already turned out that way. Your actions then become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Example: “I know my speech tomorrow is going to be a disaster. I’m not even getting out of bed in the morning.”
Mind Reading – Without checking it out by talking to the person or seeking other evidence, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is acting negatively toward you.
Example: “Tom didn’t act as if he even saw me on the street today, so I’m going to assume that our friendship is over.” (In truth, Tom didn’t see you on the street today. Sometimes it happens.)
Magnification and Minimization
Magnification or “catastrophizing” happens when you blow a negative event out of proportion. Minimization is the opposite process, where you look at your strengths and then trivialize them. Both of these processes take us out of touch with the reality of a situation and interfere with good decision making.
Example: “The doctor’s office didn’t call me with my lab results. I just know the doctor needs to talk to me about something very serious and she’s waiting to see me in person.”
Example: “I know I got a standing ovation tonight for spending two weeks organizing the banquet, but, really, it was nothing. Anyone could have done it.”
Emotional Reasoning
This happens when you let your emotions guide you as if they reflect the reality of a situation. When people feel depressed, they use their feelings (which are often negative) as their guide rather than doing a good reality check. It is more helpful to check the reality of your perceptions even if your intense emotions make things seem real.
Example: “I feel overwhelmed, so my problems are impossible to solve.”
Should Statements
This also includes “must” and “ought” statements. We motivate ourselves by talking about things that we “should” do – but the consequence is that we end up feeling pressured, guilty, and resentful. Paradoxically, we then feel unmotivated and apathetic when we don’t live up to our unrealistic expectations. When we apply these statements to other people, we conclude that other people aren’t living up to our expectations of them, and this leads to our losing respect for them.
Example: “You should go and apologize to your friend.” (Even if the timing is wrong.)
Labeling
Our lives are complex and constantly changing. The definitions we place on ourselves in one situation might not be appropriate for a different situation. When we label ourselves or other people, we apply a simplistic and unfair definition that is probably wrong, or more likely, incomplete. We fail to appreciate the full complexity of life when we apply simplistic labels.
Example: “I can’t really become Mary’s friend. She’s clumsy and crude.”
Personalization
You see yourself as the cause of negative events that you are not responsible for. When something bad happens, you assume that it is your fault. This cognitive distortion leads to a feeling of personal guilt.
Example: “She went into the hospital because I didn’t call her that day.”
A Cognitive Distortion Quiz
All of us, from time to time, make cognitive distortions. We use faulty thinking when we interpret the events that happen in our lives. If we are able to catch ourselves, however, our chances of experiencing depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety decrease, and we are more likely to make good decisions about our lives. With that in mind, take the short quiz below. It’s good practice for recognizing distorted thoughts –
Identify how each of the statements below reflect distortions of realistic thinking. (Shades of gray – some of these examples reflect more than one cognitive distortion, so there are no absolutely right answers.)
1. I feel angry at you. Therefore, you must have done something bad to me.
2. I can’t work for this supervisor. She’s a micro-manager and a control freak.
3. I didn’t get the promotion that I deserved and that just goes to prove that I’m a total loser.
4. She didn’t have eye contact with me when we met, so I know she’s racist.
5. I got a note from my son’s teacher today about his reading. I must be a terrible mother.
6. All of my friends must be open-minded and intellectually curious, or else I’m not going to bother with them.
7. I know she thanked me for driving her to the airport, but she just did that because she felt she had to.
8. She’s moving to the West Coast because I didn’t spend enough time with her.
9. OH NO! I made a mistake. My life is absolutely ruined. I’ll never be able to face the world again.
10. I know she complimented me on my new outfit, but she was just being nice.
11. She broke up with me last night. Now I’ll never meet anybody else.
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5 Laws Anyone Working in Marriage Counseling Fox Valley Institute Should Know
If your marriage is having problems, you absolutely should not wait too long to seek expert aid. It may be tough to discover the ideal counselor with the skills to help your relationship, but they are out there and happy to help. There are ways to discover a therapist concentrating on marital relationship or couples treatment. You might have to consult with more than one to discover the best fit. There are likewise ways to assess if therapy will actually work for your marriage. Fortunately, we do have some info on the kinds of couples that get the most, and the least, from marital relationship therapy.
Here are some questions to consider:
• Did you wed at an early age?
• Did you not graduate from high school?
• Are you in a low-income bracket?
• Are you in an inter-faith marriage?
• Did your moms and dads' divorce?
• Do you often slam one another?
• Is there a great deal of defensiveness in your marriage?
• Do you tend to withdraw from one another?
• Do you feel contempt and anger for one another?
• Do you believe your communication is bad?
• Is there a presence of infidelity, addiction, or abuse in your marriage?
If you addressed "yes" to the majority of these concerns, then you are statistically a higher danger for divorce. It does not indicate that divorce is inevitable, it might mean that you have to work much harder to keep your relationship on track. Those couples who have sensible expectations of one another and their marital relationship, communicate well, use dispute resolution skills, and are compatible with one another are less at threat for divorce.
The Efficiency of Marital Relationship Counseling
The science on the effectiveness of marital relationship therapy is being studied in fantastic information these days. The information from studies has actually at times been mixed. Some research has actually shown that marriage counseling is not as reliable as people believe, that women seem to get more from it than males and that it might not have an enduring impact on the couple's marital relationship. Regardless of this, we believe that getting professional assistance prior to problems reach crucial phase is really advantageous to a marriage.
The most studied, and reliable kind of treatment, is emotionally-focused couples treatment (EFT) developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. Results likewise show that this treatment is long-lasting and useful with those of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds too. Also, a research study by the American Association for Marriage and Household Treatment (AAMFT) showed that in basic, households do desire treatment and place a high value on the experience.
What Type of Couple Gets the Most From Marital relationship Therapy?
• Younger couples
• Non-sexist and egalitarian couples
• Couples who are still in love with each other
• Couples who are open to treatment and change
• Partners happy to look at themselves and their flaws
• What Type of Couple Gets the Least from Marriage Therapy?
• Couples who wait too long before seeking aid
• Marriages with one or the other spouse set on getting a divorce
• Married people who are closed to any recommendations that might conserve the marriage
• Marital relationships with one partner addicted to alcohol, drugs or porn
• Marriage with one partner appearing to sessions however is not invested in the work
Solutions Gained From Delighted Couples
John Gottman's research study looks at Do Not Wait pleased couples for services. He has actually found that although all couples experience conflict in their marriages, delighted couples obviously understand how to handle their arguments because of a foundation of affection and relationship. Dissatisfied couples do not have this ability. Usually, marriage and relationship researchers recommend that the objective of couple treatment need to be to change the patterns of interaction, psychological connection, and interaction in between the couple.
Do Not Wait to Get Assistance
If you think your marital relationship is in trouble, do not wait. Look for help as soon as possible. Strategy to spending plan the money and time in this treatment. The longer you wait, the difficult it will be to get your relationship back on track. Be sure to discover expert couples counseling or participate in a marriage course or weekend experience as quickly as indication appear.
Fox Valley Institute
640 North River Road, Suite 108
Naperville, IL 60563
P: 630.718.0717
F: 630.718.0747
Relationships and Manipulation
We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.
Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the façade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.
Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be receptive to the attempted manipulation. Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it’s the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.
Here are some common traits of those who are vulnerable to manipulators –
You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.
You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned – and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need – and then threatening to withdraw it.
You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship – all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.
You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.
You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of your self, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.
If you are in a manipulative relationship, it is helpful to recognize the personal tendencies that allow the other person to assert control over you. You can come to understand and explore these safely with the support of a professionally trained therapist. While you may not be able to change the behavior of the manipulator, you can change your own responses to attempts at manipulation so that you achieve a firmer sense of your own integrity. The unhappiness resulting from a manipulative relationship can lead to life-changing experiences that generate insight and the ability to cope more effectively with the demands of everyday living.
The Manipulator’s Tactics
Manipulation in a relationship usually progresses over a long period of time. Manipulators learn over time how far they can go. They are unlikely to attempt to manipulate the other person at the beginning of a relationship since this could bring things to an immediate end. They observe the other person’s vulnerabilities and learn eventually how to exploit them for their own purposes.
There are two basic tactics that are used to exert control, and they usually go hand in hand. The first is a promise of gain. That is, the manipulator will promise to provide something if the partner goes along with what the manipulator wants. “I promise – no arguments for a week if you’ll end your friendship with Pat.” The other tactic is the promise of avoiding loss. In this case, the manipulator threatens the partner with the loss of something if the partner does not go along with the manipulator’s desires. “I’m going to stay out with my friends late every night unless this house is cleaned spic and span by the time I get home.” (Of course, these two examples are obvious manipulation attempts. Most manipulators use more subtle methods than we see in these examples.)
Manipulative people have a strong need to be in control. This may derive from underlying feelings of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate for these feelings with a show of strong self-confidence. Even though they may deny it, their motives are self-serving, and they pursue their aims regardless of the cost to other people. They have a strong need to feel superior and powerful in their relationships – and they find people who will validate these feelings by going along with their attempts at manipulation. They see power as finite. If you exert power over a manipulator, they will retaliate in order to gain back the control they feel they are losing. They cannot understand the idea that everyone can feel empowered or that everyone can gain. When they are not in control – of themselves and over other people – they feel threatened. They have difficulty in showing vulnerable emotions because it might suggest they are not in control.
Those who are manipulative usually don’t consciously plan their maneuvers. They emerge from the manipulator’s underlying personality disorder, and are played out within the context of a victim who colludes with, and unwittingly encourages, the manipulation. There is a wide range of tactics used by manipulators ranging from verbal threats to subtle attempts to arrange situations to suit the manipulator. For example, one of the more common forms of manipulation is called splitting – turning two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting them to dislike or distrust each other, and leaving the manipulator in a position of control. They may use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling or other bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, or giving you the silent treatment.
Some Groundrules for Dealing with Manipulation
Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to outmanipulate a skillful manipulator – you are simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his or her behavior has an impact on you – but this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to disable it by making a change within yourself, thereby changing the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. If you cease to cooperate with the manipulative tactics, you will alter the nature of the relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up – often by leaving the relationship and finding someone else to control.
Assess the worth of this relationship to you. Depending on the severity of the manipulation and the damage it has done to your sense of happiness and integrity, you may need to consider whether it is worth it to continue the relationship. Of course, there are many situations (parent/child, for example) when you must stay in the relationship, so it is helpful at least to achieve some clarity about what you want in your life and assess how the relationship has the potential to lead you toward your personal goals.
Use assertiveness techniques to change the nature of the relationship. You might be so accustomed to complying with the manipulator’s tactics that you automatically do his or her bidding without thinking about it. First, you need to stop your automatic compliance. You do this by buying time to think about each situation as it arises. “I’ll get back to you on that when I have the time to think about it.” At this point you are now in control of the situation. It is not helpful to let the manipulator ask you why you need time since this invites your loss of control. Simply repeat the same thing over and over again without explanation. “I need more time to think about it.” Next, you need to confront the fear, anxiety or guilt that has driven you to comply in the past with the manipulator’s demands. This requires a deep look within that may be achieved by working with a professional therapist. Exploring your own personal feelings, why you react as you do, and how to use alternate responses may be a challenge, but the benefits are far-reaching – and they may save your relationship, or at least prepare you for healthier relationships in the future. Finally, you might label the manipulation for what it is. “When you threaten to leave me I feel afraid. If you would simply state your wishes and show me respect, I would be more able to get more info listen to what you want.” In a calm voice and with direct eye contact, it may be time to announce that the old manipulations have come to an end. “We both understand that you have a pattern of playing on my fears, and now you know how I feel about that. Your way of threatening me is not going to work any longer.” In making these types of assertive statements, you are defining your boundaries. There is no need to make threats. Simply state that you will not participate any longer in manipulations. Make it clear that by setting limits and enhancing your own personal integrity, you expect a better relationship in the future. Learning to assert yourself in the face of a manipulative individual who feels threatened when not in control is a challenge, and doing this with the help of a professional therapist is recommended.
Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?
Answer the following questions with a T (for true) or an F (for false).
____ I sometimes feel confused about what my partner really wants.
____ I feel that my partner frequently takes advantage of my giving nature.
____ Even when I do something that pleases my partner, the positive feelings never last long.
____ With my partner I feel that it’s hard just to be myself or do what I really want.
____ Around my partner, I feel taken for granted.
____ I seem to work harder on this relationship than my partner does.
____ My partner has a very strong impact on what I think and feel.
____ I sometimes feel that I am trapped in my relationship and there is no way out.
____ I don’t feel as good about myself in my relationship as I once did.
____ I feel that I need my partner more than my partner needs me.
____ No matter how much I have done, I feel that it’s not good enough for my partner.
____ I feel that my partner does not understand who I really am.
There are twelve questions in this quiz. If you answered more than half of them with a T, you might want to consider exploring whether you are in a manipulative relationship.
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Healing Marriages: Affair Repair
Five Ways to Repair Your Marriage – If You Are the Unfaithful Spouse
Infidelity elicits a variety of stress responses for the spouse who has been wounded; their body responds as if danger lurks at every corner.
If you are the unfaithful spouse and you choose to repair the pain and reconstruct your marriage, be prepared in that it will take time and hard work. Many couples who have gone through this experience describe their reconstructed relationships as being stronger afterwards.
There are five actions that are imperative for the repair work to be successful. The first action focuses on the healing process.
1. Accept Responsibility and Tell the Truth
For the spouses discovering the infidelity, it’s devastating, whether it is an emotional or physical affair. The hurt spouse’s world has been turned upside down. The person they believed could be trusted has become the one who has wounded them in the worst way possible. The hurt spouse’s reaction can be akin to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Some of the symptoms include reliving the up-setting event, feeling danger is around every corner, and feeling hopeless.
Once the hurt spouse processes the initial shock, all they want is the truth. I tell the unfaithful client, “You can’t hurt your spouse any more than you already have.” Telling the truth is absolutely necessary in allowing your spouse to feel safe. Only when he or she feels safe can they begin to think about re-establishing trust, and this takes time.
The hurt spouse is in need of answers so they can begin to make sense of the situation. Hearing the truth and knowing the story behind the infidelity can help lessen the obsessing, so they can begin the healing. Talking, listening, and empathizing are all components in beginning to rebuild the trust.
2. End All Communications with the Affair Partner
Any and all interactions with the affair partner must cease. There is to be no more emails, lunches, phone calls, texts, IM’s, or Facebook interactions. The only way to heal is to end the lies and be completely forthright and honest. What ensues may be pressure from both your spouse and the affair partner; It is never easy. The one may accuse you of leading him or her on and the other may accuse you of deception and lying.
Until you communicate to your spouse that all contact, of any type, has ended with the affair partner, your spouse will be unable to heal, and your marriage will not recover.
Establishing a permanent end to all communication and connections with the affair partner prevents the affair from resurrecting. It sends a clear message to your partner that the affair is over and you are committed, to the marriage. Restoration of the belief in you and your love can begin.
3. Volunteer Information and Be Accountable
The hurt spouse needs to be aware of the significant facts surrounding the affair to understand the extent of the deception. This can validate his or her feelings and reaffirms that he or she is not going crazy. For example, she may have suspected the truth that the flowers reportedly sent to the co-worker who lost her husband were really for the affair partner. There is comfort in knowing that the fears were legitimate. Sharing, honesty, and transparency are vital for beginning to heal the marriage.
Here is an example: On-going honesty is telling your spouse that you had a business dinner following work. When they inquire if you saw the affair partner at this dinner, you answer honestly, “no.” Transparency is when you add, “but I did see him when a few of us went for drinks at the bar around the corner afterwards, but I didn’t talk to him.” Offering information, even though it may be hurtful for your spouse, is crucial to healing the marriage.
Be accountable for where you are going, what you are doing, and who you are texting. Share your passwords for your electronic devices and allow your spouse to look at any device at any time. Ending all secrecy will help the marriage to heal. Even if a tracking device is requested in the beginning, it helps establish a feeling of safety. It gives you the opportunity to prove you are the man or woman of integrity that you say you want to be. Your partner will begin to believe your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no.”
4. Listen and Connect to Your Spouse’s Pain
Many things you say and do express to your spouse you care; your body language, performing tasks, and expressing understanding and concern are but a few of these things.
Empathic listening is when you listen to understand and connect with your spouse’s underlying emotions. It’s an integral part of the healing process.
Example: If you (Joe, the unfaithful spouse) choose a movie that involves a torrid affair in the story line and your hurt spouse (Jen) is visibly shaken, here are some suggestions:
Do not say, “Oh now Jen, don’t get so upset, I’ve told you multiple times, I’m not doing anything”.
Do say, “When you see something like this, you must hurt because it might remind you of what I did. I’m so sorry”.
When you choose to validate your spouse’s worst fears, you are relieving distress and helping her to heal. When you minimize her feelings, you leave her feeling alone.
If you have been unfaithful, it can be challenging to listen to the negative. You may want to downplay or minimize what has happened.
Do not say, “Just don’t think about it, time heals all wounds. It will be okay.” Dismissing her feelings or giving her empty reassurances does not feel like support.
Do say, “Of course you are upset, anyone would be. I’m sorry I caused you pain”. This is connecting with her emotions and provides comfort to her.
5. Be Willing to Wait and Provide Comfort
Healing is a gradual process that requires time. Imagine your loved one has been struck by a car while crossing a busy intersection. They are in intensive care having sustained serious injuries. It takes several months to care for initial injuries and full recovery and healing can take several years. Infidelity is on par with that level of trauma. Give your spouse time and undivided attention.
By being patient and willing to wait, you create safety for your spouse. When your spouse has a flashback, you must fight the urge to run away. Instead, move toward your spouse, reach out to provide comfort.
Identify the most important emotional needs (conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc…) and work each day to connect emotionally with your spouse.
When a couple creates a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriage. This communicates, “You are important to me. I will protect and care for you.” “I am concerned about the problems you face and I will be here for you when you need me.” “I am with you and accept the emotions you are currently feeling.”
Regularly review your progress while talking and interacting in Repair Your Marriage a manner that clearly expresses you are dedicated.
The spouse who strayed must continue to change from the one who did the wounding to the one who nurtures the healing. You must evolve into the partner who soothes the hurt. Then, instead of alienating and pushing your spouse away, you begin to lovingly draw your spouse to you. This renovation of your marriage is the start of a new and exciting journey forward together.
Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family:
http://fvinstitute.com/article/healing-marriages-affair-repair/
Healing Marriages: Affair Repair
Five Ways to Repair Your Marriage – If You Marriage Couples Are the Unfaithful Spouse
Infidelity elicits a variety of stress responses for the spouse who has been wounded; their body responds as if danger lurks at every corner.
If you are the unfaithful spouse and you choose to repair the pain and reconstruct your marriage, be prepared in that it will take time and hard work. Many couples who have gone through this experience describe their reconstructed relationships as being stronger afterwards.
There are five actions that are imperative for the repair work to be successful. The first action focuses on the healing process.
1. Accept Responsibility and Tell the Truth
For the spouses discovering the infidelity, it’s devastating, whether it is an emotional or physical affair. The hurt spouse’s world has been turned upside down. The person they believed could be trusted has become the one who has wounded them in the worst way possible. The hurt spouse’s reaction can be akin to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Some of the symptoms include reliving the up-setting event, feeling danger is around every corner, and feeling hopeless.
Once the hurt spouse processes the initial shock, all they want is the truth. I tell the unfaithful client, “You can’t hurt your spouse any more than you already have.” Telling the truth is absolutely necessary in allowing your spouse to feel safe. Only when he or she feels safe can they begin to think about re-establishing trust, and this takes time.
The hurt spouse is in need of answers so they can begin to make sense of the situation. Hearing the truth and knowing the story behind the infidelity can help lessen the obsessing, so they can begin the healing. Talking, listening, and empathizing are all components in beginning to rebuild the trust.
2. End All Communications with the Affair Partner
Any and all interactions with the affair partner must cease. There is to be no more emails, lunches, phone calls, texts, IM’s, or Facebook interactions. The only way to heal is to end the lies and be completely forthright and honest. What ensues may be pressure from both your spouse and the affair partner; It is never easy. The one may accuse you of leading him or her on and the other may accuse you of deception and lying.
Until you communicate to your spouse that all contact, of any type, has ended with the affair partner, your spouse will be unable to heal, and your marriage will not recover.
Establishing a permanent end to all communication and connections with the affair partner prevents the affair from resurrecting. It sends a clear message to your partner that the affair is over and you are committed, to the marriage. Restoration of the belief in you and your love can begin.
3. Volunteer Information and Be Accountable
The hurt spouse needs to be aware of the significant facts surrounding the affair to understand the extent of the deception. This can validate his or her feelings and reaffirms that he or she is not going crazy. For example, she may have suspected the truth that the flowers reportedly sent to the co-worker who lost her husband were really for the affair partner. There is comfort in knowing that the fears were legitimate. Sharing, honesty, and transparency are vital for beginning to heal the marriage.
Here is an example: On-going honesty is telling your spouse that you had a business dinner following work. When they inquire if you saw the affair partner at this dinner, you answer honestly, “no.” Transparency is when you add, “but I did see him when a few of us went for drinks at the bar around the corner afterwards, but I didn’t talk to him.” Offering information, even though it may be hurtful for your spouse, is crucial to healing the marriage.
Be accountable for where you are going, what you are doing, and who you are texting. Share your passwords for your electronic devices and allow your spouse to look at any device at any time. Ending all secrecy will help the marriage to heal. Even if a tracking device is requested in the beginning, it helps establish a feeling of safety. It gives you the opportunity to prove you are the man or woman of integrity that you say you want to be. Your partner will begin to believe your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no.”
4. Listen and Connect to Your Spouse’s Pain
Many things you say and do express to your spouse you care; your body language, performing tasks, and expressing understanding and concern are but a few of these things.
Empathic listening is when you listen to understand and connect with your spouse’s underlying emotions. It’s an integral part of the healing process.
Example: If you (Joe, the unfaithful spouse) choose a movie that involves a torrid affair in the story line and your hurt spouse (Jen) is visibly shaken, here are some suggestions:
Do not say, “Oh now Jen, don’t get so upset, I’ve told you multiple times, I’m not doing anything”.
Do say, “When you see something like this, you must hurt because it might remind you of what I did. I’m so sorry”.
When you choose to validate your spouse’s worst fears, you are relieving distress and helping her to heal. When you minimize her feelings, you leave her feeling alone.
If you have been unfaithful, it can be challenging to listen to the negative. You may want to downplay or minimize what has happened.
Do not say, “Just don’t think about it, time heals all wounds. It will be okay.” Dismissing her feelings or giving her empty reassurances does not feel like support.
Do say, “Of course you are upset, anyone would be. I’m sorry I caused you pain”. This is connecting with her emotions and provides comfort to her.
5. Be Willing to Wait and Provide Comfort
Healing is a gradual process that requires time. Imagine your loved one has been struck by a car while crossing a busy intersection. They are in intensive care having sustained serious injuries. It takes several months to care for initial injuries and full recovery and healing can take several years. Infidelity is on par with that level of trauma. Give your spouse time and undivided attention.
By being patient and willing to wait, you create safety for your spouse. When your spouse has a flashback, you must fight the urge to run away. Instead, move toward your spouse, reach out to provide comfort.
Identify the most important emotional needs (conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc…) and work each day to connect emotionally with your spouse.
When a couple creates a lifestyle that they each enjoy and appreciate, they build compatibility into their marriage. This communicates, “You are important to me. I will protect and care for you.” “I am concerned about the problems you face and I will be here for you when you need me.” “I am with you and accept the emotions you are currently feeling.”
Regularly review your progress while talking and interacting in a manner that clearly expresses you are dedicated.
The spouse who strayed must continue to change from the one who did the wounding to the one who nurtures the healing. You must evolve into the partner who soothes the hurt. Then, instead of alienating and pushing your spouse away, you begin to lovingly draw your spouse to you. This renovation of your marriage is the start of a new and exciting journey forward together.
Follow and click the link to read more about this article and see many more leading articles on marriage, couples, and family:
http://fvinstitute.com/article/healing-marriages-affair-repair/
